Ghosts

I am afraid of ghosts. Not the white-sheet, floating bodies, "boo!" kind of ghosts, but the kind of spectres that arise from a past you can not let go of. I can't promise I don't have any ghosts. But I can say I have no personal ghosts that I am aware of. I did once: a boy I couldn't forgive myself for hurting, a friend I failed, but in time I stopped allowing them to haunt me. I realized that I had done what I could to reconcile myself with them, and their grudge against me was no longer my fault. You want to know what the worst kind of ghost is? The one that is hardest to shake? The one you don't realize is there. The people around you may be haunted and tortured by it, but to you it is the best memory you've ever had. It's a regret, but not something you did wrong. I know this ghost well. It's a little monster that rears its smug little head and laughs at you. Every time it is mentioned it digs in a little deeper to try and convince you that you'll never be enough to make the person you love let go of their past. Here is a truth. The past is gone. It can not be recreated; it can not be changed. I am not trying to be cruelly honest, or cause pain, or be harsh. I promise. But I have to be blunt. Because most of the world doesn't get it. If you keep putting the good times of your past on a pedestal, whether it's because you were torn away from them too early or you've come upon bad times now doesn't matter; the truth is, you will lose the ability to be content with what you have and where you are. I've learned from experience. I've had fantastic friendships that lasted a little while and when they faded away I longed for it to be back to what it was rather than embracing the people who were still there for me. It took me a long time to come to the conclusion that, pining for what once was only makes everything that's fantastic right now blurry and out of focus. Eventually I decided if a friend, no matter how close we once were, isn't willing to put effort into our relationship, then it's time to let them walk away. Until you can figure out how to let go, the ghost(s) will always be there...haunting you and terrorizing whoever is within range.

My Guys

Would you like to meet the boys? I’d be more than willing to introduce you. Keep in mind though, that I choose not to be objective in my portrayals of them. We’ll start with my friends that are more on the acquaintance side and save my best friends for last. Shall we?:

Ryan- Ryan was Mark’s (my boyfriend) roommate. He was very outspoken on basically anything he believed. All of which was quite often obnoxious and not always logical. Fortunately, he wasn’t around very much to argue incessantly about whatever thought he decided to run with at any given time too often. He’s a frat boy.

Luke- Luke is Polish and proud of it. He’s actually a very talented musician, although he has nothing to do with the music department here at YSU. His major is pre-pharm. He’s very loud and outspoken. He is quite possibly the most conservative Republican I’ve ever met. He’s catholic and doesn’t hesitate to announce and argue his views, no matter who he’s speaking with or what their reaction might be. He can be a little obnoxious, but also incredibly amusing.

Evan- Evan is Ginger. I told you you’d hear more about ginger later. Evan’s hair is flaming red; like a male Ariel. No, no quite that red, but if you’ve ever seen the episode of South Park about gingers and daywalkers, Evan would not be going out at night. He’s really loud too, which is fairly obnoxious. He messes with Bobby and Mr. Mark (they’re all friends) virtually every night in some way, and they’re back and forth ‘wars’ can get loud from time to time.

Nico- Nico was like my brother at first. I don’t really know him that well anymore. He does love puns though. Nico can be rather moody at times. He’s either totally into hanging out with you or can’t stand you, and it seems to me that he needs his solitude. Tony and Nico are really good friends despite the fact that they’re polar opposites. I don’t think I’ve ever had a late-night conversation with those two where it wasn’t Nico and me on one side and Tony trying to argue the other. Nico is sarcastic and can make the whole common room laugh whenever he’s around.

Mr. Mark- I don’t really know Mr. Mark that well. He’s not around too much, and when he is he basically sticks to his room. He and his roommate, Bobby, are pretty much fuzed together at the hip. He’s pretty nice from what I have seen of him and bears with Evan’s sense of humor much more amiably than I ever have.

John- quite possibly the oddest individual in the bunch. Lovable, but odd. He’s definitely a theatre geek and sings almost as much as I do. He has a tendency to snap and uses his body as a drum-set on a regular basis. That is a tad bit irritating, but you learn to live with it. He plays ultimate with us from time to time, but for the most part John hangs out with a possy outside of 3 South.

Bobby- Bobby is a funny kid. I’d have to say the best thing about Bobby is that he allows me to say “dang it Bobby” all the time without being bothered by it. We played on opposing teams in intramural Ultimate Frisbee and he is very respectably competitive too. Not to mention athletic. He’s a soft-spoken kid, but not at all unfriendly.

Cory- Cory is our resident government and politics expert. He’s an excellent speaker and incredibly personable. He’s a future politician if ever there was one. He knows everything that is happening in current events and has no problem having a discussion about world events. We were in a debate for Intro to Honors once, and he and I were our speakers. We had thirty minutes to prepare and Cory ended up giving a convincing, well-articulated speech. When I got to the podium it was a pathetic, bumbling attempt to prove a point I didn’t have a solid grasp on yet. Amazing.

Shawn- I’m going to be honest and say that I wasn’t particularly fond of Shawn at first. But have no fear, my snap decision prejudice against him has been completely reversed. Shawn is very quiet. I don’t know if he just likes to observe, he’s shy, or maybe some other, more inventive motive keeps him from running about babbling about inane events constantly like his roommate Steve did all year. Once he kind of phased into the atmosphere of 3 South during second semester though, all was good.

Bret- Bret is quite a piece of sunshine. Here’s a sample of a typical greeting: “I see you all f***** day, and now I gotta see you again. Un…believable.” The truth is: Bret’s my pal. He’s hilarious. Yes his greetings are less than friendly, but that’s because half of these guys are like my brothers. No matter where you are in 3 South it is very likely that you will hear Bret screaming expletives at his TV screen about whatever video game he’s playing at the time.

Mitchell- I probably would not know Mitch very well if it wasn’t for having Intro to Lit with him. He’s a funny kid. He’s the only guy that was a fellow English major with me. I have now abandoned him for music, so he is the ruler of the English domain. He’s the one I can talk poetry and books with and actually have read the same things. At first you would think he’s pretty straight-laced. Mitch has some serious sass! I love it! Not sass in a bad way of course, but in a funny way. His sass takes shape in curses and insults that can counter the best of Bret’s comments.

Stephen- Steve is Shawn’s roommate and is definitely a mama’s boy, which is really entertaining to tease him about. I’d have to say that about 65% of the time I spend with Steve I want to kick him in the toodles, punch him repeatedly in the spleen, and then throw him off the bridge over I680 into oncoming traffic. Let’s just say he tries my patience. You’ll understand why in a moment. He is loud. He whines about stuff incessantly, and even after beating something that’s not even a big deal into the ground, he keeps on whining about it. And then there’s the fact that he has to constantly one-up someone. If you say you’re tired he’ll go into a story explaining either: a) why he’s more tired or b) how in the past he has been more tired. If you don’t have a hankering to bash in his genitals, just wait…at some point you will. But! I can’t legitimately dislike Steve. See, Steve can be a real sweet heart too. He gave me a ride to the hospital when I sprained my wrist, and really does care about his friends. He likes to help people put things together or build stuff for them or fix things for us when it’s possible. And although I rag on him, he’s another good buddy of mine.

Kevin- Kevin’s a pretty cool guy. He’s one of two music majors among the guys. He’s in the saxophone studio. He is better at classical saxophone than jazz. He’s got this very high-pitched laugh that he lets out fairly often. He makes ‘your mom’ jokes to Steve all of the time. This automatically makes Kevin ok with me, because Steve makes inappropriate innuendos constantly. A lot of what comes out of Kevin’s mouth is pretty inappropriate, but when he does decide to have a legit conversation, and even when he doesn’t, he’s great fun to hang out with.

Tony- Tony is an oxymoron if ever there was one. He’s a total sweet heart, but also the most cynical, pessimistic person I know. If you ask him what he thinks of you, this is what he says.
Me: “Am I annoying you?”
Tony: “If you were annoying me, I wouldn’t tell you. And if you weren’t annoying me I would also tell you no. So either way, I’m going to tell you no.”
He doesn’t really like to be hugged, so there’s none of that with Tony unless you want to make him curl up in a ball as far away from you as possible. (Which I do when I need a good giggle.) He’s funny to talk to. Whether it be because of his formal explanations of his viewpoints or the fact that when you get him into an argument, eventually you will be moving in circles. I know…many times I’ve recognized the metaphorical ‘tree’ in our arguments.

Nick- Nick is the man. That’s how he’d describe himself and nobody will argue with him. He works out doing P90-X and is just a beast. He just gives off an air of manliness. He can be rather frightening too. One night, a few of us were in the common room, it was late, and we got a little too loud. Nick had been trying to sleep, and he came out and announced, “You have three options. You sit here silently. You go to another common room. Or you go to your rooms.” Terrifying. He is one of my best friends and always contributes a fun perspective to conversations. He’s been playing the guitar for a couple years now and is making really good progress. It’s fun to listen to him and see somebody care so much about learning an instrument.

Trevor- Trevor is our Asian computer genius. He is your stereotypical South Korean computer wiz. I love that kid. He’s a terrible dancer, but at the Halloween dance party he was on the floor with me pumping his fists to the beat the whole time. (Regardless of the fact that there were maybe 20 people there.) Sometimes it really is the thought that counts. Trevor is great at Band Hero, Guitar Hero, Rock Band, etc and we have spent many a day just whiling away the hours rockin’ out on his Xbox. Trevor also has a very impressive ability to sleep in incredibly uncomfortable positions. Like upside down on a couch for instance. True story.

George- George is my Georgia Peach. I love him! He’s a big guy, but not big fat although he’ll argue with you about that until you go blue in the face. He was the first guy that I really connected with here. Mostly because he’s one of the people who stays up late so the whole first week or two we watched YouTube videos and goofed off until 2 in the morning with a couple of the other guys. George is a total sweetheart. Whenever he teases somebody he makes sure they know he’s kidding, which is great. Whenever we play ultimate I know his weakness is a fear of crushing me so if I run at him full speed I’ll either see him swerve out of my way, or I’ll end up on the ground with a string of apologies not too far behind me. George is always so willing to help people and really cares about other people’s issues.

Mark- As always, I’ve saved the best for last. Mark is my sir, my fella, my man, my mister, or to use a more generic term, my boyfriend. I started liking him on Labor Day when I helped him edit a poem for his English class. No, I didn’t fall for him because he’s an amazing poet. I’m the writer. Mark is the other music major, also in the saxophone studio. His biggest passion in life is music and although he won’t always admit it, he’s good at his instrument. He’s probably one of the people who’s here the least during the week, so he may not be in the pictures of the group as a whole as much as George, Steve, Tony, etc. But he takes care of me and makes sure I take care of myself, cuddles with me, and makes me smile. Whenever he and Kevin get together it’s a constant stream of saxophone conversation. But he’s not just a music geek. He’s good with computers, and just like any respectable boy, can find his way around a video game with ease. Eventually, though it usually takes a lot of work, we always come up with something to do, but even if we don’t, he’s great to be with, and I love him.

Second Entry: Suspension of Disbelief

So let me draw you a picture. I’ll try and make it a little more intricate than stick figures:

The common room is dark, Link is running around on the television, and a lone boy sits entranced by the screen. Three gaming systems dominate the table and ground around the TV. There used to be only two. The Game Cube and Wii are not new to the scene, so this leaves only the Nintendo64. My good buddy Trevor is playing Zelda. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised to see someone obsessed with another game. Three weeks ago it was Super Smash Bros. Mark brought the Game Cube, but the novelty of that was eclipsed a day later when Tony whipped out his Wii. (Ha. That’s what she said.) The super smashing has calmed down a bit, but that first week, every spare moment that was not devoted to homework found a group of boys button mashing and laughing at their nerdy video game jokes around the television. I could go on about video games for pages but, out of consideration for those people who have slightly more productive pastimes, I’ll return to the picture at hand. If you’ve seen 3 South at night, you know that this scene could be at no other time of day than before 5 p.m.

Most days there’s somebody here, but regardless of that I’ll sit in here with a book or my computer, or even just watching whatever’s on TV. My favorite is when Bret’s around and he comes out and says, “I love it how you’re just out here when no one’s around.” That’s just an average comment of course. Usually he’d throw an f-bomb or some other unnecessary expletive in for good measure.

Now where was I? Oh right. The quiet common room. At first, I wouldn’t come in during the non-happening times. I would just go back to my suite and attempt to be productive or some nonsense like that. There are days when I choose to spend time with the girls, but they aren’t particularly common. What can I say? I’m addicted to 3 South.

Suspension of Disbelief!!! Sorry for the poor segway, but we like to mock it sometimes. Tony is here. He’s never played Zelda so he’s commenting. You know how Link can just change his boots no matter where he is? Well if you don’t know, Link, the main character, can do that. Tony apparently thinks that’s unlikely. It just adds fuel to the fire that Link needs only to change the color of his clothes to be able to breathe under water. Tony announced sarcastically, “That’s perfectly logical.” about a minute after exclaiming, “That doesn’t make sense!” Tony’s a bit of an oxymoron sometimes. He’s about the nicest cynic I’ve ever met.

I’m not a very well sequenced artist am I?

George: “How the f***’s a bat underwater!?” (I am going to apologize in advance for including the swearing; but for the sake of giving an accurate portrayal of 3 South I will, indeed, quote the boys exactly.)

George: “I love how he’s carrying lead boots around in his back pack.” Tony: “Yeah and it only makes him sink when he’s wearing them.”

Suspension of Disbelief.

Is that better? No, I suppose not.

Oh George is here now. (Clearly) Quiet hours are ending. Technically quiet hours begin at 9:00 on weeknights. But in 3 South, quiet hours begin at 2:00 a.m. and end at 4:00 p.m. the next day. Loud hours? Basically any other time of day, and when Luke or Steve are there. ESPECIALLY when Luke or Steve is there.

Mark: “It bothers you that bats are under water but it doesn’t bother you that HE can go underwater?" George says, as if it’s totally obvious, “He has a blue shirt on.” See…we’re learning.

Link falls, screams, doesn’t get hurt when he lands. Mark: “I still don’t get that.” George informs him, “He has gloves on.” and gets a good laugh out of that one. We laugh at the simplest things.

Bret, sarcastically, asks, “You’re a** looks like the Japanese flag?” Trevor’s incessant playing of Zelda could only entertain for so long, and Steve brought it upon himself to divert our attention upon first entering the room. Steve walked in, stood in front of the TV and announced that his shorts looked like the Japanese flag. There are only two problems with that statement. One: the Japanese flag is red and white. Steve’s shorts are black and red. Two: The Japanese flag doesn’t have stripes.

And this is only the beginning of the evening.

How it all Started

FIRST ENTRY

90% of my college experience is spent with the boys of Suite 3049 South. 3 South for short. That’s only a rough estimate. Some people might say I have no life or that I need to get out more. To that I respond that they should get in more; I have 18 boys who are full of life. This is our story.

The first day at YSU was pretty decent. I had moved in the night before and got up early Saturday morning to go to the freshman scholars mixer. Fortunately for the 40 zoning students, it ended early. Name games can only hold one’s attention for so long. That day was not the fateful day that brought me to my honorary residency at 3 South, but it laid the foundations.

Any freshman who actually cares about school is naturally going to be fairly gung-ho to get her books. I’m very much the stereotype in that scenario. In fact I practically created it. I’m always up for getting new books, even vastly overpriced books that I’ll almost certainly be returning after 3 months anyway. So, with my book voucher in hand I set off with my beloved roommate Sarah Waldinger.

A quick aside: Now technically the ‘g’ in Sarah’s name is pronounced as a ‘g’ as in the word ginger. (More on ginger later.) Of course, you probably read the ‘g’ like the way you’d say a ‘g’ in singer or wing or well…dinger. That’s how I thought it was at first too, but I was soon corrected. And, despite my disappointment, I was totally prepared to say her name properly. My boys clearly had other plans. Needless to say, she’s given up on correcting us on how to properly pronounce her name.

Back to day one! Some of the scholar boys had made the voyage to the bookstore and were searching out their spoils when we got there. You learn very quickly in college that no location is too random or inconvenient for a conversation. So right smack dab in the middle of the isles we had a long discussion about our classes. Or at least that’s how it started. I don’t remember at all what we talked about that whole time, but it’s just one of those things where the important part is that it happened. We began bonding. Eventually, being the assertive person I am, I convinced everyone to at least move to a place where we could sit down. So it was off to the chairs in the merchandise section of the store.

I think overall that conversation lasted about 3 hours. Maybe less, but it’s whatever. The most important point about that conversation is that we discovered a common love between all of us. Ultimate Frisbee. I’m going to go right ahead and say that Ultimate Frisbee is the great equalizer. People will try and tell you the great equalizer is the atom bomb or education or the revolver. No no. It’s Ultimate Frisbee. Think about it. Everyone is welcome. Teams are split up. If you’re good you get passed to, if you’re bad, you guard. But we’re all together and for a couple of hours in time judgments about race or personality are overlooked to play the game. The great equalizer.

I love playing Ultimate with a new group for the first time. I’m good, and nobody I know would ever deny that. At home, in Minnesota, I get picked fairly early, and here it is the same. But that first day, I was untested. We all were. I won’t pretend to be humble. I’m athletic and extremely competitive. This was a chance to awe and amaze. I did. One of the guys, Evan (you’ve kind of already met him), called me a beast. That was the best game I’d had in a long time.

All things considered Saturday was a very eventful day, because that night I would be found in my future squatter location. Today, however, it was just a place to play mafia. A couple of the RAs had set up a game of mafia for the freshman scholars and I participated. It was a fun time. That’s all I remember. I can assure you that I am almost never a mafia member, and I prefer it that way. Sneakiness is not exactly one of my strong points. Game over, day over. I went to sleep I suppose.

Now for day 2. This is where the fun begins.

I don’t know what I did in the afternoon. I don’t care. We had convocation at 3:00 p.m. Boring. Back at the dorm I really wanted to hang out with people. What else was there to do? We didn’t have homework or campus activities. All we had was each other at this point. But no, not in the girls suite. They’ve changed a lot, but that first week they stuck to their rooms like hermit leeches.

I was bored out of my mind. I did everything to get people to come hang out and tried to entertain myself. I even laid on the floor in the hallway at one point to try and attract enough attention to be entertained. No dice. So finally I mustered up my courage and ventured over to the guys’ suite. LO AND BEHOLD THEY WERE BEING SOCIAL!!!! Albeit it was the geekiest sociality I could’ve hoped for, but beggars can’t be choosers. I found them surrounding a Risk board. That’s what did it; the rest of that day. I spent 2 hours playing risk. We went to dinner together, and after dinner I went to go pick up the sweatshirt I’d forgotten and ended up staying.

One little taste of life in 3 South wasn’t enough for me. I wanted to be a part of that taste. So that when people talked about three south they’d recall my voice mingled with 18 boys’. They’d think about biting in the first time and feeling the gush of bubbly laughter burst into color around the taste of smelly bathrooms and sexual innuendos.

I’m the girl spice added to a giant bowl of boy soup. I love it. I’ve thought about what it would be like if I had stuck it out with the girls and decided that I’m glad things panned out the way they did. I love the girls now too, but my guys are my guys. I’m hooked.

So every day I finish classes and maybe spend some time in my room or chat a little with the girls in our common room, but inevitably I collect my things and mosey on over to 3 South. In general, every day is the same. And yet there are little differences to each moment I spend here. The difference from one day to the next of what I walk in on. The days when something new has found its way into the suite and made itself a novelty. The similarities are what marinate from day to day and saturate our lives with a familiar taste. The surprises; the beach balls; the holidays and special occasions; those are the things that spice life and keep us from settling in so much that life becomes bland and tasteless from familiarity.

Now you know how I got here. If you’re intrigued, watch the story unfold. I’ll be here whether you join me or not.

Welcome to 3 South

I'm gonna put out a series of posts that are from a commentary I wrote about my life in Cafaro House (my dorm at YSU) during my Freshman year. It's about the guys who became my family and the suite that became my home. I hope you love it there as much as I did. So without further ado...Welcome to 3 South.

You can never play well enough

I went to my first master class a week ago. It was put on by the Young Artist World Piano Festival, and I think my mom and I were the only ones there that weren't kids at the camp or parents of kids at the camp. Regardless of that, it was fascinating. First of all, I am apparently not a particularly advanced pianist. 13 year olds were playing Beethoven Sonatas better than I've ever played any piece in my entire life. I'm not exactly demoralized by this, but if I wasn't humble about my ability on the piano before...I am now. (^_^) The master was Dr. Daniel Rieppel from Southwest State University. He said something toward the end of the two hour class. "Great music is defined as music you can never play well enough." Don't take that the wrong way. It doesn't mean great music is music you can't play well ever. It means that great music, no matter how well you can play it, can still be interpreted beautifully and completely different by somebody else. There is never just one best interpretation. I like that. You can think 'oh I could never play that piece like that' all you like. And you're probably right. You never could. So it's a good thing music is not meant to be played the same every time. One of the reasons I love music is because it is so malleable. It doesn't get old or tired or boring unless you let it. So, in what should be the immortal words of Dr. Rieppel, "Don't just be nimble with your fingers; be nimble with your mind and emotions as well."

Some Day

I do not want to be everybody. Everybody says, "Some day I'll do this." "Some day I'll do that." You know what I'm talking about. You've got them. I've got them too. "Some day I'll go to Europe." "Some day I'll live in New York City or Chicago." "Some day I'll be able to sight read." "Some day I will be a bum on the streets because I've chosen music as my career." (^_^) There's safety in saying 'some day'. You still have the idea and hope that maybe it will happen. You can make exciting plans that are just vague enough to keep that hope alive. But for most people...some day never comes. I'm going to Italy next summer to study abroad. Not some day. No more waiting. Now. And believe me, I don't have enough money to go. And to spend two months away from all those I love in a place and culture I've never experienced before is terrifying. But it's thrilling too. So what's stopping me? What's stopping you? There will always be obstacles to every single hope and dream and plan that we make in life. Whether it be means or time or whatever little detail we can conceive of to stand in our way. Stop making up road blocks. Tear them down. And make some day...Today.